I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying „Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered „So did my arthritis!” The Doctor says „You’ll live to be 60!” „I AM 60!” „See, what did I tell you?”
‘A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks „Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says „That’s what puzzles me!”
Doctor says to a man „You’re pregnant!” The man says „How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says „The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner….”
„Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.” „Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says „You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says „Okay, let’s get started.”
A bum asked me „Give me $10 till payday.” I asked „When’s payday?” He said „I don’t know, you’re the one who is working!”
A bum came up to me saying „I haven’t eaten in two days!” I said, „You should force yourself!”
A bum told me „I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him „Don’t worry, it still tastes the same!”
My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.